Detransition As A Sequel To Transition
As someone who used to identify as nonbinary and now considers himself a he, I would like to share with you briefly how I feel about all those detransition stories circulating among transphobes and beyond.
Long story short, I was assigned male at birth and grew up feeling dysphoric throughout my teens and twenties. I even once considered a full social transition to live as a woman, upon my mother’s suggestion. For God knows how long, I loathed masculinity and did everything I could to avoid incorporating it into who I was. Over the years, I developed a nonbinary identity and people around me generally accepted who I was.
Five or six years ago, however, I experienced some life-changing events in my family and friends network, the details of which I don’t intend to disclose here. And I started thinking, “maybe masculinity in and of itself isn’t all that bad.” Slowly, I began allowing myself to be masculine, in fashion, hairstyle, speech style, the posture, etc. That was a scary process, as I was afraid how people might react. I was fortunate to have been surrounded by supportive family and friends who accepted me for who I was i.e. nonbinary. And now I’m suddenly … not quite a man, still something between feminine and masculine and yet definitely leaning towards the masculine end. I started feeling tragically and constantly worried about whether I passed for a guy or not. In a way, it felt like a whole another transition process all over again. I felt like I was, in obsolete lexicon, an MtXtM.
Am I a detransitioner? I understand that there are people who call themselves detransitioners and I absolutely have no intention to negate their identity(?) or deny their existence. But at least to me personally, what I am experiencing and have experienced so far is not detransition. It’s more like an extension of transition. It’s a sequel, not a back story. It’s Season 2 of Who The Fu*k Am I? In short, I’m not going back. I’m still going forward. At least queerly so.
Of course, I feel sorry for some of the detransitioners who genuinely regret and lament transitioning in the first place. I can only imagine the hardship they’re going through. But are all so-called detransitioners just mistaken, misguided cisgender folk who once believed they were something else? Were they never transgender at all? Well, I absolutely do not represent all or even half of all detransitioners in the world, but I am sure that some of them are like me, still transgender actually, in the sense that we’re just going through Season 2.
